I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
