why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The power of my boobs compel you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
