I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
