I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize