I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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