I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
