my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The maid of honor just puked.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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