How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
