I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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