Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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