I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
false alarm, still single
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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