Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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