HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
