It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
