I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
