When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
