can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
