u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
