Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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