the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
