Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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