I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize