I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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