yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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