someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
