i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
