Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
