What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
