Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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