fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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