there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
