By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
