quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
