Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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