I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
