i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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