i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it glows. i had to have it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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