Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
