he told me I talked like a deaf person
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
How naked do you want me to be?
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