i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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