turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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