Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
