You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
