I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The adults are the big ones right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
