I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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