Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize