she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize