You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
