I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize