There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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