Soap is not a condiment
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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