he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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