I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
