When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
