a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
