just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
