this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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