You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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