A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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