you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
