I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
