haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
