i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
