I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
