John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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