Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
