i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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