i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
