I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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