I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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