no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Drunk is a universal language darling
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
