I got chris browned last night
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
