There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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