Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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