I just cut my nipple shaving
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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