Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
