just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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