you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
