After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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