when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
