even my farts smell like vagina
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
