I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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